Amanda's Story

My Husband, Grizz was admitted to hospital on February 2021 after contracting Covid-19. He was initially given oxygen through a CPAP machine & was responding well, however 3 days later his condition deteriorated and he was transferred to ICU.

 

Nothing prepares you for how it feels when the person that you love most in the world is suddenly fighting for their life. Due to covid restrictions at the hospital I wasn’t allowed to visit which just made everything worse - the only place that I wanted to be was beside his bedside holding his hand but instead I was sat at home waiting for a daily phone call to let me know how he was doing and the news wasn’t always good.

 

Our ITU journey was best described as a rollercoaster - the world’s worst rollercoaster - just when we thought Grizz was improving he’d take a sudden nosedive again. A few good days were followed by a few bad days. After 6 days Grizz’ condition deteriorated & I got the call I’d been dreading - they were unsure if he’d survive the weekend. I was told that I could visit but if I did I would need to isolate for 10 days afterwards. With 2 children at home this would’ve been impossible & would also have meant that if he did survive but then deteriorated again within the next few days I wouldn’t have been allowed back in. It was an impossible dilemma but in the end I decided to wait at home. Grizz pulled through but 2 weeks later we found ourselves in the same position again where his life hung in the balance & no-one was sure if he’d be strong enough to survive. I was told to prepare myself for the fact that he might not recover - how do you even do that??? As he was so ill it was agreed that I could visit him & as long as I wore a respirator hood then I wouldn’t need to isolate afterwards. I was so relieved to finally get to see him that I think I would’ve agreed to anything.

 

His condition changed rapidly over the next 2 weeks. One day I was being told he was 1 of sickest patients on the unit then all of a sudden he was doing better. On 13th March he had a tracheostomy fitted which i was told was the 1st stage of weaning him from the ventilator. On the same day they also decided to transfer him to another local hospital who’s ICU was quieter so it was a very scary time. Over the next few days he was slowly weaned from sedation & eventually woke up. I found it even harder not being by his side now as he would be aware that i wasn’t there. Eventually I was allowed to have video calls with him & I can’t even begin to describe the relief at seeing him awake & finally having hope that he would be OK.

 

Grizz was eventually discharged from ICU & moved to a ward on 19th April after spending 72 nights there. He’d overcome a lot but his fight was nowhere near over.

 

Although we had a good support network of family & friends around us, I remember feeling so isolated & alone, no-one really understood how it felt. My mum for example used to say I just needed to keep myself busy but I struggled to maintain concentration long enough even to brush my teeth. I was scared to leave the house in case I missed a call & wasn’t sleeping at night which had the knock on effect of making me even more anxious. There were no face to face support groups running due to covid & I’d struggled to find anything online so I asked one of the doctors if he knew of anything for families of people who were in ITU - he didn’t but promised to try & find out for me. He asked on Twitter if anyone could recommend anything & that’s how I found Critical Care Support Network (formally ICU Steps Chester)

 

I joined their Facebook group & found that they ran a weekly drop-in support session on Zoom for Friends & Relatives of ICU patients. I started posting on the group asking questions & joined the relatives Drop-in. It was such a relief to finally ‘meet’ people who really understood because they’d been there too. The people on the group shared their stories too which helped me to know what I could expect. They were full of useful advice & tips to manage my anxiety & relax. I cried (a lot) in the initial meetings but surprisingly also laughed too and I never felt judged for how I was feeling. I looked forward to my Tuesday evening - it was a couple of hours for me - my time to talk about what was happening & feel like I was really being listened to & more importantly understood. I feel very lucky that I found the group quite early in our journey and found both the Facebook group  & the Drop-in a massive support. Although I’d never met these people in real life we shared a unique bond & I came to rely on them as friends. I don’t think that I would have got through that time without them.

 

Three years on & I still attend the drop-ins because I know how desperate you feel in those early days & want to give something back by helping others get through it.